Dear Priscilla Ceballos

Dear Priscilla Ceballos:

You, my fellow Texan, are not what I would call a model parent. If we Texans, or Americans, are ever allowed to vote on a Parenting License, I will have no choice but to vote for that restriction just to prevent evil, soulless creatures such as yourself from reproducing.

First of all: you live in Texas. We have an unspoken understanding around here: don't act like Yankees or Kalifornia liberals. You, Priscilla, have violated that agreement by acting the fool on behalf of your spoiled daughter.

Spoiling your offspring is not, in itself, a bad thing. Children should be treasured and loved. They like toys and special experiences. They deserve to be treated well because, well, they're human beings.

But in the process of spoiling your pwecious baybee, you lifted your skirts and took a steaming dump all over my brothers and sisters.

I am a U.S. Army veteran, lady. Encouraging your six-year-old to make false claims about her father is just rotten. It's horrifyingly rotten, in fact. I am not sure if your offspring's father is in fact in the military. I actually don't even know if you could pick the father out of a lineup. But I do know, by your own televised confession, that the wee lass's father was not killed in Iraq while on duty. That is an outright lie. Your lie.

You encouraged your daughter to write this rubbish for...Hannah Montana concert tickets? Are you kidding me, lady? You really told your little girl to pretend that she's the daughter of a hero so that she can watch some makeup-caked actress play an annoying TV character? You're serious? Really?

That's just pathetic.

Your letter of "apology" is not impressive, either. You actually try to excuse yourself by reminding us of your pwecious baybee's dream to see Hannah Montana. Oh, right. It's all about your little girl. Let's not focus on the fact that you are a liar. Let's all cry for you because you were trying to do something good for your baybee (at other peoples' expense, of course - way to prey on America's emotions, liar).

No. Just...no.

Oh. And the local news is airing your taped interview even as I write this section. I just love the way that you palm off your horrifying behavior. You say that you did not realize the essay had to be true. You used the word "essay." Do you have even the slightest clue, lady? Of course not.

By definition, an essay must be basically true. You can embellish small details if you can't quite remember them. But you can't just make up some crazy story about a baby's daddy being killed in Iraq. There is no way in the world that you can possibly believe that "essay" and "fiction" are even remotely similar. You're just trying to excuse your utter lack of taste, not to mention your complete inability to actually parent the offspring you miraculously figured out how to conceive.

The narrator for your little whine-piece is being sympathetic to your side of the story. He mentioned that the contest's sponsor did not specifically state that essays have to be based on real events. Why would a sponsor have to define something that even a third-grader knows off the top of his head? Are you a third-grader? Did you make it past that grade? If so, then you knew better. You had to know better. You just didn't care. You were more interested in buying your pwecious baybee's love than in being a decent human being.

Oh. And you're on FOX News, lady. If it's possible for you to lose credibility, you just did by agreeing to an interview with this affiliate. This is the same FOX outlet that had the Rebecca Aguilar problem a few months ago. So you're only making things harder for yourself.

Sell your home, pack up all of your belongings and leave my state. You don't deserve to live here. Move to Kalifornia, where the liberals will gush blood for you and your poor little girl. Tell them all about how "sorry" you are for what you did. And while you're there, try not to run afoul of anybody who lost a beloved soldier, sailor, Marine, airman or Coastie anywhere in the world. Deceased veterans' family members tend to get pissed off, and a bit rowdy, when they find out that you tried to falsely join their ranks for concert tickets.