Pirate Patch Patrick and Pointy Sticks

Some of the weirdest things show up in the search keywords that lead people to The Pointy Pen. Like…this, for example:



Obviously, our dear Internet searcher is looking for a sarcastic piece about the ridiculousness of such an idea. I’m sorry to be the one to disappoint him (or her) on this one.

That idea – legislating inanimate objects out of existence in the name of safety – has some merit. Innocent, beloved children have been poking out eyes for thousands and thousands of years, with pointy sticks no less, so we need to do something. You know. For the children.

[Here’s where I pause, close my eyes reverentially, and inhale deeply, obviously fighting the urge to begin weeping at the thought of little Pirate Patch Patrick struggling to explain to the Vision Center employee at Walmart that he needs JUST ONE CONTACT LENS, DAMMIT. In the background, you hear the faint, but increasing, strains of Michael Jackson’s “Heal The World.”]