The Federal Government is Awesome

When you catch yourself thinking that it’s a good idea to let the federal government run yet another aspect of our lives, ask yourself this:

What federal program in America’s history has turned out for the best in the long run? Have the feds actually done anything that’s cost effective, efficient, and truly useful?

The first thing that comes to mind is The Manhattan Project. From my perspective - i.e. the winning side - this turned out to be a pretty-good venture. Oh, sure, it cost billions, but the project worked.

Then again, we were trying to kill hundreds of thousands of people, and jack up their descendants for as many generations to come as possible – not solve peoples' problems.

Now, if I wanted the feds to annihilate a country or two, I'd cheer them on until one of my lungs collapsed. Their track record proves that they're freaking awesome at this. They fail only at, you know, pretty much everything else.

Emo Cowboys

I had no idea, until earlier today, that there is such a thing as an Emo Cowboy. Now, though, I’ve seen it with my own eyes (which, by the way, are bleeding, thank you for asking).

The Emo Cowboy look involves clunky sneakers (no color but black will suffice), skinny jeans, a giant t-shirt, and a miserable frown. A pale face is, of course, a plus.

Add a knee-length, imitation-leather duster (black, of course), and a felt cowboy hat (sans hatband and, naturally, black) to the ensemble and you’re near the goal. To go from Cowboy in Sneakers to Emo Cowboy, you must let your dyed-black hair grow out, then chop off the left half, leaving the rest free to obscure your right eye. You earn extra points if your unnaturally-dark hair is naturally curly, creating a depressingly-dark corkscrew over your hidden eye. Then, cover your lonely, exposed eye with mascara a la “A Clockwork Orange.”

But be aware that, if you’re shuffling along the sidewalk in our little, redneck town, with your sad little head down, wearing your Emo Cowboy getup, people are going to gawk. This is particularly true if you’re a) seemingly of the male gender, and b) wearing what is clearly a female’s cowboy hat.

I would have gotten a picture, but I just couldn’t – I was a little too far away for my camera phone to be of any use, and I would have had to shoot through the car’s side window, which wasn’t exactly clean. Oh, well.

P.S. I did a bit of research and discovered that "Emo Cowboy" is a phrase describing an emo kid who wears a bandanna around his neck. Sadly, the Emo Cowboy I saw earlier today sported no bandanna...but he WAS on his way to Walmart, where he could fix that little problem if he felt the urge to do so.

I Can Has Pizza?

Our stove died, like, a week and a half ago, so I have been without pizza for a bit longer than usual. We’re at critical mass here, folks, because a Sarah without supreme pizza is a Sarah you really, really don’t want to be around.

I would gleefully urinate in Nancy Pelosi’s Botox stash for just one slice – with all the Canadian bacon, bell peppers, mushrooms, pepperoni, and plenty of mozzarella. Oh, man. I guess that I could go to Pizza Hut, but a) their food sucks, and b) well, do we really need a “b” when “a” is a pretty-good reason?

Then again, I would do that peeing-in-the-Botox thing anyway, pizza or not.

Just saying.

Goodbye, Mr. McCourt

Frank McCourt died today at age seventy-eight. He's already missed.

"Angela's Ashes" was one of the first truly-wonderful memoirs that I read - and McCourt's amazing, detailed, hilarious writing made it easier for me to see the power that creative nonfiction can possess.

Thank you, Mr. McCourt, for the fantastic writing.

Studio Set to Screw Up Another TV Show

Remember how I wrote, not too long ago, that "Futurama" is coming back? Yeah, that's exciting. That show was great, and I was very sad to see it go. Watching the reruns on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" block was fine at first, but you can see the old episodes only so many times before you get sick of them. That's why I haven't really tuned in to Comedy Central's broadcasts, seeing as they're the same old thing.

(Oh, and I'm not a huge fan of the movie-length episodes, for the most part. They're all right, but not really.)

Unfortunately, it appears that Twentieth Century Fox has put out a casting call for the new episodes. From what I can tell, it looks like all of the major voices are going to be replaced, probably with "soundalike" actors.

It appears that someone wants to save money by hiring new voice actors instead of paying our old, favorite folks what they're asking. If this is true, then it sucks. I understand having to stick to a budget and all that good stuff, but come ON. If it's possible to hire back the old voice actors, even at a higher pay rate than the new guys, then do it. "Futurama" could make a buttload of money almost overnight if everyone involved did things right. However, if they churn out a cheap imitation of the old favorite, they're going to either fail or come close to it.

Poker; Random Stuff

Sitting here, catching WSOP Main Event updates while playing some Limit Hold'em tourneys online. Obviously, I'm looking for Phil Ivey to make the final table, then destroy the other eight players in November. In particular, I'd like to see Ivey bust Jeff Shulman, the editor of Card Player Magazine and crybaby of the year.

Speaking of the Main Event: They're going to play down to the final table (nine players) tonight. Then, in November, they're going to play the actual final, just like they did last year. I didn't know, until very recently, that the last nine players will be paid ninth-place money tomorrow. Then, in November, they'll get the balance depending (of course) on what place they finish.

So, tomorrow, nine folks are going back to their respective homes with more than one million dollars. Crazy.

Bacon!

As everyone whose opinion matters will tell you, bacon is the ultimate meat candy: the one pork product that stands above all others, mocking them in its crispy, sweet way. Give me a couple of slices fresh from the pan and I’m happy. Crumble them up on my cheeseburger and I’m ecstatic. But talk about better ways to prepare bacon and I’m downright crazy.

Some of us (i.e. family) were talking about bacon’s ultimate goodness when I mentioned that it is entirely possible – nay, mandatory! – to interweave one’s bacon and bake it. In the example, you’ll be smothering your bacon square with cheese, then turning it into a bacon and cheese roll, which is fantastic and all. But the bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich you can make instead will have one-hundred-percent bacon coverage. Could life possibly be any more perfect? I think not.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to hop over to my health-insurance company’s Web site to find out if there are any decent cardiologists in the coverage network. I’m probably going to need one soon.

Pirate Patch Patrick and Pointy Sticks

Some of the weirdest things show up in the search keywords that lead people to The Pointy Pen. Like…this, for example:



Obviously, our dear Internet searcher is looking for a sarcastic piece about the ridiculousness of such an idea. I’m sorry to be the one to disappoint him (or her) on this one.

That idea – legislating inanimate objects out of existence in the name of safety – has some merit. Innocent, beloved children have been poking out eyes for thousands and thousands of years, with pointy sticks no less, so we need to do something. You know. For the children.

[Here’s where I pause, close my eyes reverentially, and inhale deeply, obviously fighting the urge to begin weeping at the thought of little Pirate Patch Patrick struggling to explain to the Vision Center employee at Walmart that he needs JUST ONE CONTACT LENS, DAMMIT. In the background, you hear the faint, but increasing, strains of Michael Jackson’s “Heal The World.”]

The Main Event's Almost Here!

The World Series of Poker Main Event starts tomorrow! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m excited. This is the biggest event in all of poker, with this year’s first prize being…well…nobody knows yet, but it should be frockin’ huge! The poker boom is still going strong in Vegas, judging by the fact that more than one of this year’s WSOP events sold right out – including the $1,000 “stimulus special” tourney.

Sponsors are really getting into the Main Event, too, albeit in not-so-great ways. Jack Link’s Beef Jerky will give you $100 worth of product if you show four Jacks during the ME. Whether your hand wins or loses, you’re getting some beef jerky. This could be awesome in some situations, but, you know, not others.

I’m waiting to see a quad Jacks versus royal flush hand; the guy who loses with the awesome-looking Jacks is going to be so pissed if he isn’t in the money yet. Because nothing adds to the agony of a horrible beat quite like being handed a big bag full of beef jerky while you’re vacating the seat that you just lost because of some donkey. “Gee, thanks for coughing up ten thousand dollars, pal, and it really sucks that you’re going home with NOTHING! But here...have some meat snacks.”

On the other hand: if I were playing the ME and found myself losing my seat with quad Jacks, I could always call up Sasquatch and have him help me get some sweet, sweet revenge.