When I Rule the World, Part Three

When I rule the world, stupid people won't be allowed to drive.

Today, when I was trying to pull out of my parking spot at the dollar store and onto the main aisle in front of said store, I had to come to a nice, slow stop. Why? Because I noticed, in plenty of time, that a moron of the highest order was backing out of her spot right in front of the store (and right in front of me) without looking to her left-rear side. The psycho hose beast never so much as glanced in that direction. Instead, she craned her neck and head to the right and stared in that direction as she gassed her little crapbox right out of her spot and into the aisle that I was attempting to occupy.

Clearly, the half-wit (minus about one-fourth wit) was not using her mirrors to check out her left-rear side, and she definitely was not directly looking that way. Technically, she did have the right of way. I'm fine with that. But even though she was supposed to back out first, she should have been paying attention. Just assuming that everyone else will look out for your little crapbox...well...that's how accidents happen.

My conclusion: some people are stupid, and those with a terminal case of this nasty disease should not drive.

When I rule the world, all the morons are losing their licenses. I'm running those suckers through the industrial shredder and telling people that they're going to have to sell their land yachts and buy Segways. And if they're particularly stupid, they won't be allowed to operate their new wheels without first shrouding themselves in bubble wrap and putting on helmets.

When I Rule the World, Part Two

When I rule the world, the welfare system will go bye-bye. Pretty much everything that Uncle Sam does as far as social programs go could, and should, be handled by private charities - both secular and religious.

Many of us who work will gladly donate to charities that feed and clothe, house and doctor people in need. Many of us already do just that, and would certainly keep donating if our tax dollars were no longer hijacked.

There are thrift stores, soup kitchens, free clinics, et cetera all over this country. They already help take care of people who need assistance, so why has the government stepped in? That's a bunch of crap. Let the private charities do their jobs, and let taxpayers keep the funds that are currently going to welfare scammers.

Besides: people who can work, should be out trying to find jobs if they aren't already employed. Unless, of course, they have another source of support (stay-at-home parents, for example, fall into this category).

I'm not pushing for people to let other people starve to death in cardboard boxes under bridges or anything like that. My point here is just that Uncle Sam is overstepping his boundaries - unnecessarily, at that - and should be stopped. We'll be quite all right without the intrusion.

When I Rule the World, Part One

When I rule the world, I shall issue decrees on behalf of fellow migraine sufferers.

The first: Fluorescent lighting shall be dismantled, dragged to the nearest dump, and blown to unidentifiable bits with a 12-gauge.

The second: All non-sufferers who proclaim, "It's just a headache," shall have their skulls locked into bench vices for no fewer than twelve hours.

That is all.