Kanye West: Thug Trash in Nice Clothes

You can dress up a dog turd all you want, but it's still a dog turd. The same idea applies to Kanye "I have no class" West: dress him up in overpriced clothes all you want, but he's still a street thug. He's still common trash, without any ability or desire to act like a civilized human being.

First of all: Taylor Swift didn't have jack squat to do with Kanye West, or with the rap/hip-hop genre. This wasn't some ridiculous little rapper beef thing at all - not, of course, that I would condone acting like a complete jerk at an awards ceremony because one dude has a problem with someone else.

Secondly: Kanye's blogged apology does not mean diddly squat to me. I can do all sorts of rotten things to other people, say that I'm sorry, and not be truly remorseful. I can come to your house; poke your right eye; mutter "Sorry" and then poke your left eye. How sincere was my apology? Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is NOT Kanye's first incident of this sort, and it probably won't be his last. If he were truly repentant, he would not continue interrupting people, verbally trashing them, and otherwise acting like the gutter trash that he insists on being.

Thirdly: His music sucks anyway. If I wanted to listen to some jackass babble about how freaking awesome he is, I'll sign up for another class with Professor Self-absorbed. That would cost me more money, granted, but I wouldn't feel nearly as bad about myself if I did that - versus spending even ten cents on any of Kanye's egotistical drivel.

Of course...how seriously can you take a grown, allegedly-heterosexual dude who puts a friggin' teddy bear on his album covers?

---

Now that I've said all that, I'd like to add that Beyoncé Knowles showed real class after Kanye acted in his typical, trashy fashion. Even though I honestly could not give less of a crap about MTV, or their awards ceremonies, I'm glad that someone with such a kind heart and good attitude scored "Video of the Year."

Studio Set to Screw Up Another TV Show

Remember how I wrote, not too long ago, that "Futurama" is coming back? Yeah, that's exciting. That show was great, and I was very sad to see it go. Watching the reruns on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" block was fine at first, but you can see the old episodes only so many times before you get sick of them. That's why I haven't really tuned in to Comedy Central's broadcasts, seeing as they're the same old thing.

(Oh, and I'm not a huge fan of the movie-length episodes, for the most part. They're all right, but not really.)

Unfortunately, it appears that Twentieth Century Fox has put out a casting call for the new episodes. From what I can tell, it looks like all of the major voices are going to be replaced, probably with "soundalike" actors.

It appears that someone wants to save money by hiring new voice actors instead of paying our old, favorite folks what they're asking. If this is true, then it sucks. I understand having to stick to a budget and all that good stuff, but come ON. If it's possible to hire back the old voice actors, even at a higher pay rate than the new guys, then do it. "Futurama" could make a buttload of money almost overnight if everyone involved did things right. However, if they churn out a cheap imitation of the old favorite, they're going to either fail or come close to it.

Dear Joan Rivers

Dear Joan Rivers:

I recently saw a YouTube clip from "The Celebrity Apprentice," in which you called poker players "trash." You were not, judging by what you said - and here comes the clip, just for the record - referring only to Annie Duke (who, admittedly, is annoying as snot - but still).



Yes, I realize that the Vegas of decades past was rife with corruption. Obviously, anyone who's capable of picking up any sort of book that recounts the fabled city's history will know about the mob, and the Binions, and all the other big-time things that have happened there over time.

I realize that poker has a sordid, nasty history. We don't call Aces and eights "the dead man's hand" just because it sounds cool, after all.

But things change, and group dynamics change. And even back when Doyle Brunson was a young'un, there were plenty of poker players who would stab themselves in the face before they'd renege on a deal, or backstab someone. Though not every poker player, then or now, is a wonderful person, there have always been good guys and gals in the game. You fail to see that, and that's your shortcoming, not ours.

What's saddest, though, is that you're nobody, Joan. The only thing that I knew about you before this fiasco was that you were on "Hollywood Squares," which my grandmother watched when I was a young'un. And that, frankly, was a very-dim memory until "The Celebrity Apprentice." How great is that - knowing that you're just a random, tiny recollection based on some grandmother's television-viewing habits?

Even though you're fighting very hard to look like you're only twenty or so, Joan, you're going to die at some point. And when you go, who's going to remember you...and for what?

The poker community - millions of us, by the way, and that's just here in the United States - will remember you as the bitter old woman who called us all trash. People who are addicted to reality TV aren't going to remember much about you, because they have the attention spans of toddlers on meth. Folks who were around back when you were doing stand-up, or whatever you did when you were really as young as you're trying to look now, are going to be either dead or senile, and therefore won't recall anything about you.

Some dusty, old obit will be yanked out of some dusty, old filing cabinet in some newsroom. Some lackey will update the file to include the date of your death, as well as a couple of details about it, then publish it on the Internet and in the papers. But the odds are good that the kid doing that menial, thankless job isn't going to know much of anything about you. He probably won't really care, one way or another, that he's updating Joan Rivers' obit.

Now, you're best known as the woman who pitched a childish tantrum on a game show. This is what people in and near my generation will remember about you every time you make any sort of appearance on television or in the news. Unless you do something huge, and soon, this is what people are going to remember even after you're gone.

There's nothing wrong with being nobody. There's nothing wrong with being somebody. But there's nothing right about being known for being a rotten, nasty, bitter person. Even though I don't particularly care for Annie Duke's on-camera antics, and even though I wouldn't exactly be thrilled to be stuck playing at her poker table, the heat is on you, because you're the one who stereotyped a very-large group of people...many of whom are not even remotely close to being "trash," despite what you think.

So, Joan, the real reality here is that, among "my" kind of people - the trash, don't you know - you're basically a big donk. Congratulations - we very-rarely award the "donk" title to anyone who doesn't play poker, so you should bask in the glory of your awesome achievement.

Sincerely,

A poker player

P.S. LOL Trumpaments!

2009 WSOP schedule; Main Event table

This year’s World Series of Poker dates are finally out. I notice that the powers that be are delaying the Main Event final table until November – just like they did last year. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure of how I feel about this move. Though I did enjoy watching the “November Nine” play out the last hands of that epic tourney last year, I do have some reservations about the idea.

The Pros:

The Main Event is as close to being a live event as possible with the delay. The WSOP starts in May. By waiting until November to play the FT, ESPN can quickly edit the footage and broadcast it within a day or two of the action. This beats the snot out of learning, in June, that X player won – then having to wait until November to see how he got there.

There was, admittedly, tons of hype around last year’s FT. We can reasonably expect even more excitement this time around because viewers now know what to expect. It’s easier to look forward to something when you already know, from last year’s experience, that it’s insanely exciting.

The final nine players get more money. Endorsements and other sources of income flowed last year. They should do the same this year, what with poker still being hot and all.

Speaking of money: more than a few people bet on the outcome last year. I imagine that there will be plenty of wagering among friends, coworkers, poker players, et cetera this year as well.

Exposure…can’t argue with that at all. Not everyone knew anything about last year’s November Nine, but there were plenty of casual poker/sports fans talking about the phenomenon. Perhaps this year’s following will be even bigger.

The Cons:

I didn’t genuinely care that much about any of the players last year. Yes, one pro was at the FT (David Rheem), but not many casual fans recognized him. Now…had Phil Hellmuth, Jr., Jennifer Harman, or Daniel Negreanu made the FT, the reaction would have been insane.

We’re going to have to wait to see the outcome on ESPN regardless of when the FT plays. I’m patient, and like the “close to live” advantage of delaying the FT. However, some fans are less patient than that, and really prefer to just get things over with.

FT players have months to review previous episodes of ME play and study each other. They can also consult with poker coaches to change and improve their own strategies. There’s plenty of time to adapt to the FT. This is a disadvantage because poker is about changing on the fly. Part of the sheer joy of these games is figuring out tells and other signs as you play the game. You just don’t get that with the delayed FT.

Overall, though, I’m down with this way of doing things. ESPN and the WSOP are doing a pretty-good job of bringing in new fans with this move. The results were entertaining and exciting last year, and I expect this year to be no different. Now, if only we could get some big-name pros at the FT. That would make the ME almost perfect as far as I’m concerned.

I Want My Thirty Minutes Back

I want my half hour back because I paid for it fair and square.

Today, the first day of classes, I showed up about ten minutes before my 11 a.m. class. Instead of an open classroom door, my fellow students and I found a sign informing us that class would begin at 11:30 instead. Why? Because today was Inauguration Day, and the ceremonies began at 11 o'clock our time.

Yes, that's right, folks: I stood around for an extra half an hour this morning, waiting for my class to start. There was no good reason to delay this class. It's not like my instructor can't, you know, pull up the video coverage on the Internet, or watch one of the many repeats that so many TV stations are airing. And goodness knows that she has access to a VCR, or some other recorder that would capture the broadcast for her to view on her own time.

She just had to watch this epic event live, even if it meant dicking me out of half an hour of my life. Oh, yeah, and those thirty minutes aren't refundable, by the way. I can't just claim credit for them at the end of my life or anything like that.

This is an English class, by the way. It's not like the political-science professors let their students out to watch, you know, a government/political event. My class has zip, zilch, NOTHING to do with Inauguration Day, the ceremonies, the President, et cetera, but my half hour was ripped off all the same.

If I wanted to watch TV, I would have either stayed at home or gone to one of the "watch points" set up all over campus, including right across the walkway from my classroom building. Plenty of other people on campus did one or the other today. It's not like we had no choice but to be in our 11 a.m. classes today.

But no - we couldn't just have class, which is what those of us who showed up wanted. Instead, we all had to occupy ourselves for an extra half hour, waiting for the ceremonies to conclude so that we could get on with what we're paying to do (learn).

I'm so glad that I should, God willing, graduate in December. I've had just about enough of academia and all its collective insanity. I'll be taking my school-logo baseball cap to the pistol range right after I walk - to give it a proper, .45-caliber sendoff and all.

Today was the first day of classes and I'm already sick of the whole thing.

Katrina Whining Resumes

So I was watching the local news yesterday and saw a whole bunch of people whining about George W. Bush's responses to Katrina.

I wish they'd aired the charity fundraiser clip of Kanye West blurting out that Bush hates black people. That should have been MTV's Video of the Year if you ask me. Kanye West uncovered the cracker conspiracy! He figured it out all by himself! Give that man a Grammy or something!

It's really amazing, though, how a bunch of able-bodied, sane people can stand around, pointing fingers, when they were the ones who chose to wait for Katrina to demolish their lives - instead of, you know, getting out of there before landfall.

Oh, right. They had only a few days to evacuate before the storm hit. That obviously wasn't enough time to hop into the car, or even put on the bug-out shoes, and make tracks. Silly me, thinking that people who live below sea level know that they need to have a plan for avoiding buttloads of water.

Stuff That Rocks

Tonight, let's talk about Stuff That Rocks.

One: Sonic has a dollar menu. The Jr. burger? Worth a dollar plus tax. Yay! Now I can afford to grease up my arteries a little more often. Thank you, Sonic, for making your killer burgers more affordable to us po' folk.

Two: I just picked up another David Sedaris book (not his latest, but that will come soon enough, I'm sure). If you like creative nonfiction, you should read this guy's collections. He's hilarious.

Three: Japanese people trying to teach other Japanese people how to speak English. This video...oh, man. I had to capture the audio and make a ring tone, because it makes me laugh so hard every time I see or hear it.

Tracking Down "Daria" On DVD

MTV’s “Daria” originally aired when I was a teenager. Being just the right age, at just the right time, I really enjoyed the TV series. This was my favorite show at the time, and I’m still a bit sad that it’s no longer airing on The N, as it was a few years ago in syndication.

Being slightly nostalgic, I’ve been looking around to see if the animated series is available on DVD. Sadly, there is no such thing as a “Daria” box set. MTV/Viacom has not, despite many requests from loyal Daria Morgendorffer fans, released anything but the full-length feature films (“Is It College Yet?” being the later one) and the occasional VHS tape, which one can buy through Amazon’s Marketplace if one is so inclined.

The problem is that there are Web sites claiming to have the entire series for sale. For as little as thirty dollars, you can buy every season, with pilot episodes, in a box set that even includes artwork.

Guess what? They’re pirated copies. Somebody recorded the show from his or her TV, more likely than not, and has packaged every episode for illegal redistribution. If you buy one of these box sets, you can reasonably expect to receive a piece of crap.

Picture and audio quality might not be great, because the bootlegs are likely nothing more than TV recordings. If the pirates in question snagged the feed from The N, that network’s logo will appear on the bottom of the screen. You might also see some poorly-timed starts and stops, because “Daria” always aired with commercial breaks, whether it was on MTV or The N.

Then there are the actual DVDs. They’ll be plain old DVD-Rs, which means that they’re more sensitive to scratches than the commercially manufactured versions. If the DVDs are labeled, which is not a guarantee, then it’s likely to be a poor print job.

Overall, pirated copies of anything – movies, records, TV shows – are crap. They aren’t commercially dubbed or packaged, so you aren’t going to get the best that an entire team of designers and other employees can offer. Instead, you’re paying for some thief in a dank, stinking basement to run as many files through his DVD burner as he can, as quickly as he can.

So, I wrote to MTV, asking them to please consider releasing this show on DVD. I would gladly pay for it, which I don’t say about many TV shows. The studio will make money, I’ll get my “Daria” fix, and the bootleggers won’t have the market cornered anymore. Everybody wins in this case, as far as I can see at least.

My Own Annoyances

Tweaker's post about pet peeves got me thinking about one that really drives me nuts.

Mindless rumor spreading drives me insane. Yes, I do know that we all sometimes get our facts wrong. That's part of being imperfect human beings. In fact: I'm probably going to get something wrong in this blog post, despite my careful research. Hey, I'll accept the consequences, because it's my own fault if it does happen.

However, I get frothy around the mouth and take up the challenge of verbally tearing apart somebody's crappy argument when I hear him/her spreading crap without even pausing to consider that it could just be yet another rumor. Oh, boy, do I ever love ripping the myths to shreds with a curious look and a, "Where'd you find that information?" Hee. People can't openly admit that they heard it from some guy or gal they know, so they say nothing. Unless sputtering counts. Hee. Man, I love that dazed look they get when I call shenanigans on their "facts."

Many of us have some sort of access to the Internet, which contains the sum of all human knowledge if you know how to type a few key words. But people can't even visit Snopes.com to confirm that the crap they're spreading is true, can they? Nope!

One example that's been bugging me lately: the myth that actors and actresses must wear incorrect uniforms, or intentionally foul up other aspects of their work, when representing the U.S. military. They, according to the myth, must do a few things wrong because, if they don't, they're guilty of impersonating military personnel. This, people say, is why you see so many movies and TV shows with actors and actresses wearing the wrong service's awards...or sporting incorrect rank insignia...or saluting the wrong way.

Nope! The law states no such thing. In fact: actors and actresses are specifically mentioned in the law - as people who are allowed to portray military personnel without accusations of impersonation. Don't believe me? Check this out.

Specifically, scroll down and hit this section, which addresses exemptions like this:

(f) While portraying a member of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or
Marine Corps, an actor in a theatrical or motion-picture production
may wear the uniform of that armed force if the portrayal does not
tend to discredit that armed force.

In other words: the law does not, in fact, require actors/actresses to "intentionally get some things wrong." The people in charge of TV, movie and theater might foul up in honor of tradition, or because that's what they were told to do; however, there is no legal requirement involved. (My guess, honestly, is that the people in charge of costumes just don't know enough about military uniforms, customs, rank, et cetera to get things right.)

Oh. And this bit o' the law took me just a couple of minutes to find, if that long. It's not like I had to go to a law school, sweet-talk my way into the law library, and pore over book after book until I found what I wanted. With the Internet on computers and cell phones, among other devices - and in public libraries and schools, too - we don't have an excuse for believing every stinking thing somebody tells us.

Then again: before the Internet, people managed to find out what they wanted to know. We had fact checking and research long before we had this magical connection to the rest of the world. So, really, even if somebody doesn't have Internet access, he or she can still go get a book.

Question the answers, folks. That's the best way to avoid looking silly...and keep me from giving you that curious look and asking you to cite your source.

I don't have the video clip, people!

It looks like a mega-buttload of people are trying to find a video clip of Stewie ("Family Guy") singing the "Establishment" song.

Look. I don't have it, okay? It's copyrighted material, and FOX is fairly adept at enforcing its legal holdings. Even if I had that season on DVD, I wouldn't rip that clip to my hard drive to share with y'all. I have better things to do than square off with a mega-network over a video clip. Really. Like...clip my toenails, or pick cat hair off my favorite baseball cap.

You can, however, go buy season four of "Family Guy" on DVD and enjoy that clip to your heart's content.

Episode number fifteen: ""Brian Goes Back to College (And Stewie Goes With Him for Obvious Comedic Reasons)" - that's the one you want.

You can pick up the set at pretty much any discount-department/entertainment store, as well as Amazon, online-auction sites, et cetera. A lot of retailers will probably even have this sort of thing on sale soon, it being the holiday-shopping season and all.

P.S. Learn the rules!

Phil Hellmuth's Main Event Record

Until this year's World Series of Poker Main Event finally ended, Phil Hellmuth, Jr. was the youngest ME winner in history. Now, Peter Eastgate, age twenty-two, has that honor. (Hellmuth was twenty-four when he won the ME in the 1980s.)

Because you must be twenty-one years of age or older to even play in the WSOP, it's going to be very difficult to break Eastgate's newly-set record. However, it will happen...eventually. There are plenty of twenty-one year-old poker players entering the ME, so one of them will, someday, set a new record.

This is cool, because I can't stand Hellmuth. He might be the world's greatest tournament Hold'em player, but he's a colossal jerk. He might have the most cashes and WSOP bracelets, but that doesn't make me respect or like him.

So, because his precious ME record is now a thing of the past, I'm happy. Next year, I hope to see Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan win three or four bracelets each. That's not a realistic idea, I know, but that would still be sweet.

It's Just a Game, People

The main reason I dislike watching Phil Hellmuth, Jr. play poker is the fact that he's a jerk. If you watch televised tournaments, you know exactly what I'm talking about. When he isn't verbally stroking his own ego to climax, he's insulting the other players.

This year's WSOP has been no different. And the people in charge of paring down ESPN's footage to episode length are certainly playing up his idiocy - as usual. Because goodness knows that some poker fans out there really do want to watch Hellmuth's classic meltdowns, complete with verbal abuse and whining.

Poker is just a game. Despite what Hellmuth might say when he's in the middle of berating another player (something about poker being his life - wah, wah, wah), these card games are not nearly as important as practicing medicine, or whipping up on terrorists, or any of the other truly-meaningful things that other people do every workday.

The truth is that, if all the poker players in the world suddenly went broke and had to find regular jobs, we fans wouldn't suffer. Oh, sure, we'd miss our favorite pros. We'd be sad at seeing them leave the card rooms to go do jobs that don't earn then millions or put them on television.

But we'd survive, because poker's just a game.

That's right: a game. I don't think that poker is a sport. To me, sports require physical exertion - and tossing chips into the pot doesn't count if you ask me.

So: because poker is a card game, the rules of conduct are similar to the ones that your parents probably taught you when you played any other game as a child. Don't be a sore loser. Don't be a nasty winner. Be polite to the other players. Wait your turn. That sort of thing.

Apparently, Hellmuth's mother either never bothered to teach him anything...or he's what the military calls "untrainable."

Either way, poker would be better off without him.

All Obama, All the Time

A few days ago, I was getting ready to head out the door for school when Mom stopped me.

"You have to see this," she said, and picked up the TV remote. She changed channels, tuning in to...OBAMA.

I promise you, this channel really does exist. On Dish Network, it's somewhere in the 5000 range - right next to the audio channels.

Obama's people are running 24-hour, endlessly-looped, worshipful programming for all the starry-eyed, easily-fooled, charisma-sucking masses. Let's all kick Whitey in the crotch, hold hands, and gaze upon Barack's shining countenance through the Brain-rot Boxes, shall we?

I lasted about two minutes before I had to change the channel back to something sane. Because you can see only so many photos of Chairman O., complete with voice-overs from adoring sycophants, before the nausea sets in and you have to escape.

Honestly, I'd rather tune in to Rush Limbaugh's self-adoring drivel than watch another two minutes of OBAMA.

The Establishment

One of the best Family Guy moments ever would have to be in season four's "Brian Goes Back to College."

Stewie Griffin, back in the 1960s, singing at Woodstock:

Establishment,
establishment,
You always know what's best.

[Guy] You suck!

[Stewie] Learn the rules!

---

And that, strangely, leads me to a song by The Shaggs. Oh, those rebellious teen rockers and their crazy lyrics.

Why Your TiVo/DV-R/VCR Failed During "House"

A lot of "House" fans are wondering why their recording devices flipped out during last week's intense, dramatic final scene. For very good reason, these viewers are, well, annoyed, to say the least, because many of them missed part of that final scene.

Networks are not overly fond of recording. If the executives had their wishes, we would all watch our favorite shows as they're broadcast, instead of recording them for later. Why?

1. If you record "House," you can skip the commercials. As much as I hate advertisements, they fund networks. Without them, I don't get "House."

2. Because you have a recording of each episode, you are not as likely to go buy the season DVD set as those of us who don't have recordings. You might still purchase the season, yes, but some people with DV-R capabilities won't. That's lost revenue, on top of the fact that many people who record their favorite shows don't bother viewing the advertisements.

So: what are networks beginning to do?

Intentionally overrun the air time. By having the program conclude two minutes after the top of the hour, the networks effectively cheat "record for later" viewers out of the best part of the show: that intense conclusion we've all been talking about since last Tuesday.

You can, however, work around this problem. Set your device to continue recording past the top of the hour, if said device has that capability. I know that you can set a VCR to do this. The same is true of most, if not all, DVD recorders. I don't, however, have any clue about what you can or can't do with TiVo.

Or, if you can, watch the show as it airs. Use the commercial breaks to go to the bathroom, refill your drinking glass, nuke some pizza rolls, whatever.

It's That Time of Year Again

Finally!

The 2008 World Series of Poker coverage begins tomorrow evening. Yes, I already know who won most of the events, as I followed the Web-site updates. But watching the coverage is still going to be awesome.

I'll be isolating myself in my bedroom with my Dr Pepper, cigarettes and remote for a couple of hours tomorrow - as I'll be doing every Tuesday night until we finally get to see the Main Event final table.

Once school starts for me again, I'll have to go buy a DVD recorder. I'll be in class on Tuesday nights. Oh, well. I wanted DV-R capabilities anyway for other programs, but this is a perfect excuse to spend money.