Bacon!

As everyone whose opinion matters will tell you, bacon is the ultimate meat candy: the one pork product that stands above all others, mocking them in its crispy, sweet way. Give me a couple of slices fresh from the pan and I’m happy. Crumble them up on my cheeseburger and I’m ecstatic. But talk about better ways to prepare bacon and I’m downright crazy.

Some of us (i.e. family) were talking about bacon’s ultimate goodness when I mentioned that it is entirely possible – nay, mandatory! – to interweave one’s bacon and bake it. In the example, you’ll be smothering your bacon square with cheese, then turning it into a bacon and cheese roll, which is fantastic and all. But the bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich you can make instead will have one-hundred-percent bacon coverage. Could life possibly be any more perfect? I think not.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to hop over to my health-insurance company’s Web site to find out if there are any decent cardiologists in the coverage network. I’m probably going to need one soon.

Made of Win (Omnivore Style)

If I were a dinosaur, I think that I'd have giant arms, unlike the wimpy T-Rex, for the purpose of hoisting all those many, many pounds of awesome pork products to my face.

Stuff That Rocks

And now, another installment of Stuff That Rocks - because I've come across some stuff that's made of win lately.

First and foremost: it looks like "Futurama" is coming back. Fo' real. Comedy Central, you are awesome. But not as awesome as Bender. Close, though.

Next up: Khan Academy. An MIT graduate (math degree - shocking, I know...oh, and he's done other stuff, too) decided that he wanted to teach various mathematical and financial concepts to as many people as possible. So, he set up this Web site, which is full of YouTube videos that show you how to solve all sorts of math problems. I'm currently working my way through the concepts that will be on this math-placement test my school's making me take before allowing me to sign up for the "Math for people who aren't at this university to do diddly squat with any sort of math, but have to take two math classes anyway" class. Why? Because I haven't taken a math class in a few years, and have no idea of what I'm doing. The Khan Academy Web site has been, to say the least, insanely helpful.

And now, we're on entry number three: Phil Frickin' Ivey. (No spoiler alert because the tourney I'm about to talk about isn't going to be televised.) Phil Frickin' Ivey, man, in the No-limit 2-7 WSOP event...utterly amazing. And 2-7 Lowball isn't even "his" event, which makes the utter ownage even better.

I Love Emo Kids SO Much Now

No, not really. But this video by Shane Dawson is one of the most hilarious things YouTube's ever hosted. (Psst! Watch out - a bit o' the ol' rough language ahead!)

Manliness! Alaska! Trophies!

One of the manliest competitions ever, the World Beard and Moustache Championships, is being held in Alaska this year - tomorrow, in fact. I for one will be checking the Web site to see if Beard Team USA can pull off an epic win or two.

Now, you're probably asking yourself, "What's wrong with this chick? How is growing a bunch of facial hair manlier than rugby, American football, and lumberjacking?"

Easy. We have female rugby and football players, as well as lumberjills. But unless there's something totally out of whack with the chick's hormone levels, she's not going to have a beard, moustache, sideburns, et cetera to enter in the World Beard and Moustache Championships. Growing facial hair is, therefore, one of the manliest competitions ever - except, of course, for the He-man awesomeness that is Best Ranger.

YEAAAAAAH!

I just checked my e-mail. The last professor acknowledged receipt of the last paper that I had to electronically submit. What does this mean? School’s out for summer, baby! YEAAAAAAAAAH!

Go. Train. Now.

Oh, man - if I had the money, I would SO be at Front Sight, like, tomorrow. Dr. Piazza's giving we gunnies a suh-WEET deal on training...including a free Springfield handgun when you're finished.

So, if you can get over to Front Sight, then take advantage of this deal. He's also offering all the training and paperwork that's required to apply for concealed carry permits that will cover thirty states (reciprocity agreements and such). I'm not particularly interested in that part, because I already have my CHL, but some of you might find that part to be fairly useful.

If you can't go...well...I totally understand, seeing as I can't go either. But by all means, we need to be taking some training classes where and when we can. I've taken the CHL class, but that's it so far. I'm really interested in some more classes, but I don't have the money. I'm saving a tiny bit at a time so that I can afford a class or two in the future, though. I think that we should all be doing that, as best we can, because it's always a good idea to learn as much about your tools as you possibly can.

Tea Party Trip Report

Well, folks, the Tea Party in my part of Texas was small but good. My eyeball estimate of "a few hundred folks" should be about right, considering that the courthouse lawn was packed with all sorts of people. Young and old, military veterans and civilians, Republicans, Democrats, independents...it was really great to see so many people coming together.

The assembly began with the Pledge of Allegiance and closed with every one of us singing "God Bless America." Why? Because, regardless of what the Department of Homeland (In)security might say, we aren't "extremists." We love this country, and we embrace the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Those documents are what make the United States such an amazing, wonderful, free place to live - and getting back to those ideals would be fantastic as far as we're concerned.

Despite what most of the mainstream media had to say about us, we weren't upset just because we pay taxes like all the other employed folks out there. We're upset because our federal government is out of control. Runaway taxing and spending...an outrageous national debt that our children, and their descendants, will inherit...and a very-disturbing disregard for the Constitution that's supposed to dictate the federal government's actions.

We were not violent. Rather, we peacefully assembled to petition our government for a redress of grievances, which is our right. None of us made any types of threats - and we even took our garbage with us when we left. Nobody can accuse any people at that Tea Party of any impropriety - not even littering.

All in all, it was very nice to be around so many other people who are just as sick of the situation as I am. I hear rumors that people are thinking of organizing a Fourth of July assembly in Austin. That would not be a bad time and place to get together at all if you ask me.

The pictures:

Spring Break! YEAH!

Spring Break started (for me, that is) today. I'm officially off school until the Tuesday after next. Woohoo!

Unfortunately, my Mom doesn't quite understand this yearly holiday.

Mom: Oh, so you're on Spring Break now?
Me: YESSSSSS! (Awkward, but jubilant, dancing.)
Mom: Good. You can help me with the cleaning.
Me: No. It's Spring Break, not Spring Cleaning.
Mom: No. It's Spring Break from school. You can still help me around the house.
Me: BREAK.
Mom: Yes. Break from SCHOOL.

We're both speaking English, but I don't think that we're both having the same conversation.

Legal, Free Music Downloads

I am all for buying music, or at least legally obtaining used CDs. However, I'm not going to complain when an artist- and industry-approved source of legally-free downloads pops up - not unless there's some sort of major problem with the service, anyway.

Lately, I've been grabbing music from SpiralFrog: a service that's completely free because it's ad supported. There are pros and cons to this site, so you'll want to know a little about that before you go sign up, I'm sure.

The Pros:

Legally-free music. SpiralFrog has a huge catalog. They're constantly adding new and old releases alike, giving me plenty of choices. Not every artist is represented, of course. Metallica is, naturally, absent, because they're a bunch of silly men who don't understand that they could be MAKING MONEY off this service. The Beatles aren't represented, either, and you're going to have a bit of a tough time finding independent artists here.

The advertisements are embedded on the Web site. You don't have to interact with them at all unless you choose to do so. They don't pop up (if you use FireFox, anyway - I've never visited this site with another browser, so I could be wrong here), and you don't have to click on them to start your downloads.

The search function is actually pretty decent. It's not too difficult to find what I want, if the site has it available at least.

The Cons:

The audio quality is not as good as what you would get on CD. If you're particular about your music, this might not work for you. But if you really don't care, it's worth it.

You can download only one song at a time. This stinks if you have a super-mega-fast Internet connection. I for one would love to be able to grab three or four songs at a time.

The files are copy protected. This lockdown prevents Microsoft's Zune and Apple's iPod from recognizing, much less playing, your files. This is stupid. This is pointless, because you fulfilled your end of the bargain (having the ads on the Web site while you browse and download) and, therefore, have paid up. This is also easily fixed for less than twenty bucks courtesy of a wonderful little program called TuneBite. It's well worth the investment. Trust me.

You have to log in at least once every thirty days and download a song file. Otherwise, your already-downloaded files expire. You can reclaim them, without downloading again, by logging in later. This isn't a big deal, because I imagine that most of us will show up once a month to download a song or two. However, the licensing agreements that require this are just, well, stupid. This goes back to that whole "dude, I paid up, so to speak" argument.

You do have to download a small piece of software to make SpiralFrog work on your PC. There is not, the last time I checked, a Mac version, meaning that you Apple-kissing, self-righteous snobs will just have to keep using the iTunes store at .99 a pop, plus tax, to satisfy your elitist cravings. Boo-hoo.

Overall, SpiralFrog is well worth the time. Free downloads that the artists and RIAA support? Sweet.

Also: there are other, similar sites out there, that attempt to do the same thing. One site - and I can't remember which one, sorry - embeds ads either before or after the song. So, every time you play the song that you've legally downloaded, you get to listen to an ad. Yeah, that sounds like fun, doesn't it? SpiralFrog's idea is way better.

Hey, Remember The Distillers? Check This Out

So, um, you remember how it was back in the day, when Brody and the rest of The Distillers were tearin' up the punk scene and all that good stuff? And, uh, do you still get all excited when your media player of choice is in shuffle mode, and suddenly picks up "Beat Your Heart Out" or, well, pretty much any other track from Coral Fang? Yeah, me too.

If you missed Brody tons and tons, you're going to want to go to Spinnerette's Web site and download their new EP, Ghetto Love. This is Brody's new band, and they've finally produced something that we can buy and enjoy!

It's only five bucks. Really, folks, that's a fair price to pay for four awesome tracks, plus digital copies of the EP's artwork and some videos.

Edit: I just found the EP at SpiralFrog. This is a legal, free download site. I don't know why I didn't check there first, seeing as I've been a SpiralFrog user for a few months or so now. Oh, well. The purchased downloads are higher quality than the SpiralFrog downloads, so I did get something good for my money.

However, this is not "The Distillers, Part 2: The Reunion." Spinnerette has a pop-tinted rock sound that The Distillers never quite achieved, even when they cranked out their last album. Spinnerette shows us a Brody who's still angry, and who can still bash out hardcore lyrics...but she's more controlled, and the backing music isn't quite what you would expect. As long as you're down with an artist growing and changing, without losing any of the talent and uniqueness that made her so awesome, you'll probably dig the new work.

This is good stuff - really good. I thoroughly enjoy the new EP. It's solid, both musically and lyrically. Brody's officially back, and she's as talented and entertaining as ever.

Go. Download. Enjoy.

And if you, for some bizarre reason, do not own any Distillers albums, you can check out eMusic or Amazon to get your fix. Just saying.

Sickest Poker Bet EVAH!

Well, okay. This might not be *the* sickest poker bet ever, but it's pretty close.

A twenty-two year-old online player nicknamed spacegravy is currently working on winning a bet that he can rack up forty thousand dollars' worth of online tournament winnings in one month - by playing nothing but $60 sit-and-go tourneys on Stars.

Now...for those of you who don't play poker, don't know what I'm talking about, et cetera: this is a nearly-impossible feat. Gravy can buy into any $60 tourney he wants on Stars, but only the $60 games count.

So, it costs him $60 to enter each tourney, and his winnings depend on the number of players. Finishing out of first does earn him some money, but taking down the tourneys breaks down like this as far as winnings go:

Nine-man SnG: $247.50.

Forty-five-man SnG: $767.26.

He's going to have to cash in a buttload of tourneys to make forty grand in profit. He multi-tables like a dude on crack - which of course increases his hourly win rate.

Too bad I don't usually bet on other peoples' performances (sporting events, for example) or I would probably bet that the dude pulls it off. It seems insane, and impossible, but he's done something similar before. This bet is in the early stages, and he did have a massive downswing early on, but I really think that he can do it.

Even if he doesn't, well, it's been fascinating to watch the dude.

Peanut Butter is Awesome

Peanut butter, not beer, is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Sorry, Benny Franklin, but I’m disagreeing with you, however brilliant and patriotic you might have been.)

A PB and J on white bread cheers you up, fills your stomach, and satisfies the sugar requirement of your daily diet. When you’re feeling really depressed, a spoonful of Reese’s peanut butter – which is the most awesome PB ever made, mostly because of the insane sugar buzz you get just from smelling the stuff – makes everything all right again. It’s even better than a spoonful of chocolate frosting.

Best of all, peanut butter on the end of your finger attracts The Annoying Dog. In our house, The Annoying Dog is Dad’s blue-tick coon hound. She’s named Highway because that’s where Dad found her. And because she kind of looks like asphalt. Asphalt with white-chocolate chips.

Highway likes to make all sorts of strange noises. She does a half-woof, half-whine for attention. She has a low, dragged-out grunt of sorts when she wants food. And she has a strange sound in the back of her throat, that sounds like a pinto-bean fart inside a sleeping bag, when you do something that she doesn’t like (such as feeding her dry dog food).

But she also adores peanut butter. Unable to resist the urge to lick my finger completely clean, she floats across the room, her tongue hanging out one side of her big, loud mouth.

“Goooood dog,” I say. “Goooood girl. Baby girl’s gonna shut up in a minute, isn’t she? Oh, yes, she is.”

Yep. I will baby talk the dog when I’m feeding her peanut butter. Because I’m giddy over the fact that, when her tongue is temporarily glued to her palate, she can’t make a single sound.

God bless you, JIF creamy.

Stuff That Rocks

Tonight, let's talk about Stuff That Rocks.

One: Sonic has a dollar menu. The Jr. burger? Worth a dollar plus tax. Yay! Now I can afford to grease up my arteries a little more often. Thank you, Sonic, for making your killer burgers more affordable to us po' folk.

Two: I just picked up another David Sedaris book (not his latest, but that will come soon enough, I'm sure). If you like creative nonfiction, you should read this guy's collections. He's hilarious.

Three: Japanese people trying to teach other Japanese people how to speak English. This video...oh, man. I had to capture the audio and make a ring tone, because it makes me laugh so hard every time I see or hear it.

Retaining More Injured Troops

I really think that the military could benefit from retraining wounded troops to do other jobs within their branches. In a few cases, the military is doing just that. A recent NRA magazine had a small story about an Army soldier who is an Active Duty member of their marksmanship team. He has a prosthetic leg, but that hasn’t stopped him from putting a rifle to good use in competition and practice.

This is encouraging, because the young man wanted to stay in the Army – and is able to do so. He’s still serving our country, and his story is attracting peoples’ attention. This could be good for recruiting, and it’s definitely boosting morale among troops and civilians.

But more troops need the option of doing a job that they can still perform. You do not have to have both legs to work on the administrative side of the military, or train the troops. A person with a prosthetic arm can still do fantastic things in military classrooms, after all. You don’t have to have all your limbs, or a strong back, to teach people how to do a job that you can’t physically do anymore. Even if you’re in a wheelchair, you can teach others how to stay alive and do the job.

Our military needs brawn, yes. Muscles, and physical abilities, are vital. But there are plenty of necessary jobs that injured people can perform. By giving them the option to remain Active Duty, they can continue to serve our county, earn benefits and a paycheck, and take pride in what they’re doing. By showing them that they’re still valuable even though they are no longer physically capable of doing their old jobs, the military would be sending an excellent message to all who serve.

Firefox on School/work Computers

I know that some of you are accessing the Internet from shared connections: university and/or work. That being the case, you might not be allowed to download Firefox and use that instead of Internet Explorer.

Good news: Firefox has a portable version. You can run the browser, with many of your favorite add-ons, from your USB (flash) drive. This eliminates the need to install anything on the PC in question. This might be useful information for those of you who use Firefox at home, but can't at school/work because of those systems' programming.

That way, you aren't stuck with cruddy IE, which is a giant, steaming turd of a Web browser. Inferior security, not nearly as customizable as Firefox, and, oh yeah, a Microsoft program. (Yep. I knock Bill Gates' offerings even though I'm a die-hard Windows lover.)

My Super-secret Cheesecake Recipe

This is a big secret, so don't tell anybody else, okay? This recipe has been in the family for, like, months, so I'm going to be very upset if any of you spread this all over the Internet.

Take one Oreo pie crust. Remove the plastic lid and set aside.

Open one can of Philadelphia cheesecake filling. Allow to warm up to room temperature.

Dump the filling into the crust and spread it around with, oh, a knife or something.

Cut, serve, and gorge. Optional: cherry pie filling as a topping. Or strawberries. Or even chocolate sauce, if you're feeling adventurous.

Every holiday, I work myself to the point of collapse to create this super-special cheesecake. My parents and sibs love my recipe, and beg me to make my cheesecake more often. But this is such hard work, and so time consuming, that I can do it only a few times a year without suffering from mental exhaustion.

School's out!

I'm finished with school for the rest of the year. Woohoo! Only one more year (two semesters, in other words) left until I'm an actual, honest-to-goodness graduate. Finally.

The Useful Sibling

When my four siblings and I were but wee little'uns, Youngest Bro had a speech impediment. Despite his inability to properly pronounce a good one-fourth of the sounds in our language, the little guy loved to talk. He'd speak with just about anybody, including strangers, if given the chance. The rest of us quietly, politely stepped in to act as interpreters whenever the adult in question got the furrowed "What did he just say?" brow going.

One of our mother's most-used phrases was, "Be nice to each other!" followed closely by, "Get along or I'll kill you all!" In both cases, the love and affection was clear in her tone, though the word choices did not always portray these feelings. Regardless, we tended to heed our mother, because we knew that she was capable of making us very, very miserable if we fought with each other, descended into namecalling, or otherwise failed to be nice and/or get along. My Mom, y'all, is a very-scary lady, despite being rather quiet and shy in certain social settings. I wouldn't piss her off if I were you. She has long fingernails, for starters. And a 1911.

Because this mother of ours found it Utterly Distasteful, not to mention Incredibly Shitty, to taunt or torment somebody for something that he or she could not fix or cure, we were all instructed to be absolutely polite to Youngest Bro about his speech impediment. If we so much as thought about cracking one joke about his problem, she would turn to us, her eyes ablaze with anger, and hiss, "You don't want to go there."

We did not, in fact, go there. Because we actually liked Youngest Bro, and because we really, really liked not having our heads knocked halfway to the moon.

My sibs and I went so far as to be the exact opposite of cruel to Youngest Bro. We went out of our way to include him, and to make him feel useful when we were plotting something...I mean...doing after-school activities. Soon enough, we discovered that his desire to speak with people, despite not being able to clearly communicate, worked to our collective advantage.

We discovered, quite by accident, that soda-truck drivers generally enjoyed children. This epiphany struck when, while watching Mom pump gas from our seats inside of our van, Youngest Bro leaned out the passenger window and called out to a Pepsi-Cola driver parked near the gas station's front doors.

I don't recall exactly what Youngest Bro said, but the driver - a tall, crew-cut gentleman in shorts and a striped shirt - looked up from his hand truck piled high with crates of Pepsi and asked us what we'd just said.

I, the quick thinker of the group, called out that my little brother [point to adorable, tow-headed brat with big, blue eyes and perpetual grin] wanted to know how many bottles of Pepsi the driver could fit into his trailer.

The driver, grinning, walked over to our van with a two-liter of Pepsi in hand. He answered the question (all I remember is that the truck held a buttload of soda) and handed Youngest Bro the bottle.

Score!

From then on, whenever we saw a truck driver in the middle of a delivery, we dragged out our not-so-secret weapon. Youngest Bro would ask the driver a question, or make a comment to the effect of, "[Whatever you're hauling, buddy] is my favorite [snack, soda, video-game console, home-gym equipment]." Driver would, more often than not, show amusement at this.

And sometimes, when we were quite fortunate, we scored free stuff. We never did convince anybody to give us a free Nintendo, but we did try. Very hard, in fact. Oh, well.

However much our mother enjoyed the fact that we were all getting along AND being nice, she did have her limits.

"You are not going to say a single word to that man," Mom said, as she nodded her head toward yet another delivery driver.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because he's with Budweiser," Mom hissed back.

"So?"

"So he's not going to give you beer." She paused for a moment, then: "He'd BETTER not, anyway."

Phil Hellmuth's Main Event Record

Until this year's World Series of Poker Main Event finally ended, Phil Hellmuth, Jr. was the youngest ME winner in history. Now, Peter Eastgate, age twenty-two, has that honor. (Hellmuth was twenty-four when he won the ME in the 1980s.)

Because you must be twenty-one years of age or older to even play in the WSOP, it's going to be very difficult to break Eastgate's newly-set record. However, it will happen...eventually. There are plenty of twenty-one year-old poker players entering the ME, so one of them will, someday, set a new record.

This is cool, because I can't stand Hellmuth. He might be the world's greatest tournament Hold'em player, but he's a colossal jerk. He might have the most cashes and WSOP bracelets, but that doesn't make me respect or like him.

So, because his precious ME record is now a thing of the past, I'm happy. Next year, I hope to see Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan win three or four bracelets each. That's not a realistic idea, I know, but that would still be sweet.