Keyboards Piss Me Off (Ranting, Nostalgia)

I’m officially pissed off at keyboards in general right now, because it’s occurred to me that I’ve had to replace mine every 1.5 to 2 years. Writing, school, and work keep me typing for a few hours every day, if not longer. Around my house, I’m notorious for wearing out, breaking, and replacing keyboards, because the modern designs are not nearly as good as the ones that companies like IBM used to crank out.

Let’s see: I’ve been doing lots of typing since about age thirteen or fourteen. With only a few breaks (like when I joined the Army and, obviously, left home) I’ve been mostly responsible for several keyboards’ sad, sad deaths.

There were two early-generation Microsoft Ergo Boards that died. There were at least three cheap, ten-dollar keyboards somewhere in there that I flat wore out. I’ve gone through two of my own, ergonomic keyboards, including a fairly-rugged Belkin that actually held up for a little more than two years despite heavy usage.

Silk-screened letters wear off. Spacebars crap out. Whole sections of the keyboards just stop responding. Even when I routinely clean out these things, and even when I’m very careful to keep crap out of them – liquids, food crumbs, that sort of thing – they still wear out and break long before I think they should.

Right now, I’m using a Microsoft ergonomic model that I’ve had for several months. This thing is starting to piss me off, because the keys aren’t responding like they did when this first came out of the box. These stupid tactile-mat, “dome” ‘boards get that “mushy” feel after awhile, because they’re foreign-made, cheap pieces of garbage. The really-sad part is that I’ll pay ten, sixty, seventy dollars for these pieces of crap.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the IBM “M” model keyboard that I got with an old IBM 286 PC when I was in my mid teens. Even back then, all of this was outdated equipment, but the computer got online and ran Microsoft Word just fine, which were my two main concerns. And the keyboard…oh, my goodness, the keyboard! It weighed several pounds because there was a solid-metal base to it, and the removable key caps were etched: IBM didn’t use silk screening, or stickers, to put the characters on the keys. Even when I pulled off the caps and dumped them in a bucket of soap and warm water, the letters stayed because they were etched.

I could take apart the ‘board, too, and give the plastic top a good scrubbing. Putting the thing back together didn’t take long, and I was good to go for another several months, if not longer, without any work on my part.

Oh…and mine had a coiled cable, much like old telephone cords. Sweet? You bet.

So, I’m on the lookout for another one, and hope that I find an old, dusty one for a few bucks. Otherwise, I’ll have to cough up sixty, eighty bucks at this site for a refurbished model. As much as I appreciate the fact that these people have done all the work for me…I’d really rather save my money and clean up the ‘board myself.

By the way: if I ruled the world, I’d have the rare, ergonomic version. Yes, they did exist. They’re very difficult to find, though, which is sad because that would be absolutely perfect as far as I’m concerned. If you just happen to have one lying around, wasting space in your garage or attic or something, I would LOVE to talk with you about possibly acquiring it. Just saying.

Wow...That Sucks.

My middle brother's a contract laborer. He doesn't have a company or anything like that - just works for an employer who doesn't want to cough up half of the employee-related taxes, that's all.

Bro. just did his taxes yesterday.

And is still shrieking.

Because this year...even though he made an average of one thousand dollars a month...he owes more than two thousand dollars in taxes. This is quite a bit more than the few hundred or so that he paid this time last year.

He's none too happy about this huge increase...and I can't say that I blame him. But, hey...this is what happens when politicians can't figure out that, when they don't have enough money to fund all their little programs and other crap, they need to reduce their spending.

So...if you hear the distinct POP! of somebody's head a'splodin' somewhere in Texas, it's probably his.

Spring Break! YEAH!

Spring Break started (for me, that is) today. I'm officially off school until the Tuesday after next. Woohoo!

Unfortunately, my Mom doesn't quite understand this yearly holiday.

Mom: Oh, so you're on Spring Break now?
Me: YESSSSSS! (Awkward, but jubilant, dancing.)
Mom: Good. You can help me with the cleaning.
Me: No. It's Spring Break, not Spring Cleaning.
Mom: No. It's Spring Break from school. You can still help me around the house.
Me: BREAK.
Mom: Yes. Break from SCHOOL.

We're both speaking English, but I don't think that we're both having the same conversation.

Weird Conversations with Mom

My Mom and I really need to get out more.

Mom: I have two choices for you.
Me: I choose “Cleveland.”
Mom: “Cleveland” is “Do the dishes.”
Me: Then I choose “Springfield.”
Mom: Good. “Springfield” is “Make dinner.”
Me: “Austin.”
Mom: “Do dishes and make dinner.”
Me: “Los Angeles.”
Mom: “Clean the bathroom.”
Me: Fine. “Akron.”
Mom: “Clean the kitchen.”
Me: Which option is “Go play online” anyway?
Mom: None.
Me: I give up. I’ll go with “Springfield.”
Mom: Good choice. The good knives are in the dish drainer.

No Thanks, Dad

My Dad and I were in the living room this morning, with the TV turned on, when a story reported that the FBI is looking to fill a few thousand positions.

Dad: You should do that, Sarah.
Me: I don't think so.
Dad: Yeah, you should.
Me: I read somewhere that you have to do twenty-five push-ups in a row, without pausing, to pass. I hate push-ups.
Dad: So? We'll get some metal and make you some Robocop arms. No problem.
Me: Uh, Dad? Remember when you went into the Army and took your physical? The FBI probably does the same thing. I think they'd notice.
Dad: Just wear long sleeves.
Me: No. Just...no.
Dad: They let you carry a gun.

Mom: Actually? They MAKE you carry a gun.
Me: Everywhere?
Mom: Everywhere.
Me: I already do that.
Mom: True.

Dad: Oh, come on. It would be a great career.
Me: Oh, yeah. I can picture my employment application now. "List your dislikes: The Bill of Rights; properly-obtained warrants; the Weaver family..." If I work for any federal agency, it'll be either the Post Office or the CIA.
Dad: The CIA?
Me: Yeah. I'm down with assassinating terrorists.
Dad: That's my girl!

Sometimes, I think that my Dad dropped wayyyyyyy too much acid when he was my age.

Dear Article Thieves

Dear Article Thieves:

Thank you very much for stealing my writing. I'm flattered that you chose my Web content to steal from the Web site that makes it available for purchase. Heaven forbid you actually pay for the articles that draw visitors to your sites. I would hate for you to actually invest something so that you could legitimately earn those Google AdSense profits.

You testicle-slurping, mouth-breathing pieces of fecal matter.

You may all locate the nearest axe handles, insert them in your rectums, and run backward into the nearest brick walls.

Then, you should use rusting, dull kitchen knives to remove your testicles. Be sure to cauterize the wounds with plenty of rubbing alcohol. I would hate for any of you to be capable of reproducing, as the last thing that we need on this planet is another generation of spineless, scum-chewing, infectious waste.

Please also douse yourselves in hi-test gasoline, strike Zippos, and run down the street until your faces melt off and you collapse in oozing, flaming puddles.

While you're accomplishing all of those directives, you should also gouge out your navels with corkscrews.

Every one of you should fall down, be eaten by worms and die - in that order.

Because Little People Aren't Important, Right?

Why are some of you so bloody rude to people you deem "beneath" you?

What is the point behind being snotty and rude to the cashier at McDonald's? What has she done to cross you? Nothing. She's greeted you with a smile, carefully taken your food order, and collected your money. She is cheerfully providing you with a service. Throwing your cash at her, making snotty comments about how great it is to not have her job, et cetera, are great ways to show the world how little you're really worth.

Why would you treat the secretary/receptionist like a puddle of scum? That person is doing a job. You aren't having to pay tax dollars to fund welfare checks and other social benefits for this employee, so why do you treat her (or, sometimes, him) like she's worthless? She's doing the very best that she can on the job, and she's trying to be friendly to you. Her smaller paycheck does not give you the right to (metaphorically) blow snot all over her.

How do you justify mocking the IT professionals in your office? Yes, some of those ladies and gentlemen are a bit strange. But when you, o brain trust of the world, kick your PC's power cord out of the wall, they're the ones you call for help. They're the people you shriek at for help when you stupidly download KaZaA at the office for a little bit of music piracy on company time. And you yell at them to save your sorry ass when you can't figure out how to change the toner cartridge in the laser printer.

If you disrespect everybody whose paycheck is smaller than yours, simply because those people aren't as "good" as you somehow, then you're pretty much useless as far as I'm concerned. Oh, yeah. You have a big, important job. So what? If the people you crap on regularly didn't do their jobs, then you couldn't do yours.

And don't be surprised when, after you dump on these people, they suddenly "forget" how to properly help you do your job. Oh, gee - you can't get copy paper? Not all of your phone messages are coming through? You got the salad with the wilted lettuce? Try being decent to other people. You might be treated better in return.

Quit Ripping Off My Work

I'm a freelance writer - been doing it for a few years now, actually. I love writing and the super-flexible schedule works well because I'm in college. When I need extra study time, I just take it - no big deal because I set my own hours.

Most of my writing goes online. In fact, I write the overwhelming majority of my pieces specifically for the Internet. I go through a middleman of sorts - a Web site that lets me upload and sell my work for a percentage of the selling price. They handle the money, the marketing and all that other non-writing stuff that I don't really care about.

The biggest problem with online writing is theft. The site that handles my writing tries, but the editors and administrators can't prevent every problem.

Over the last few months, there have been problems with stolen credit cards. Little twits in Asia will rip off credit-card numbers, then "test" them by going to this Web site and purchasing articles. If the purchase goes through, then they know that they can rack up huge bills buying things that they actually want, like stereo systems and MP3 players and such. If I had my way, thieves would have to work on farms and in laundry facilities until they repaid the rightful owners. That's just me, though.

But anyway.

So I receive e-mails stating that I've sold a few articles, which makes me happy. I can get paid for them at the beginning of the month. And I need the cash. I really do. I have to put gas in the vehicle so that I can go to and from school. I have to pay my dentist to finish doing the work that I've needed for years. And every now and then, I really like helping my family with the household bills. (I'm 25 and live at home. It's cheaper than paying rent to live on campus. I've done that, so I know exactly how much money I'm saving. It's enough to make sharing one shower with six people well worth it. Trust me.)

But then the payments never materialize because, oops, some jerk bought my articles to test stolen credit cards. So I never see the money for what I've done. Oh, sure, the site re-lists my articles so that I can earn legitimate sales, but it's really disappointing - and infuriating - to go through the whole "Oh wow, somebody ripped me off AGAIN!" process once every month or so.

The site worked out a way to stop that problem. Everything went well for the next month and a half or so. I was content because article sales went back to their normal averages.

So then I received a notice stating that I needed to send Google a takedown request. There's a new problem. Now people who actually WANT my articles are buying them. But then they claim that there's a problem with them. The middleman site lets buyers return the articles for a full refund within a few days of the purchase.

You see where this is going, right?

Of course you do.

So people have been buying my articles and returning them to get the full refunds. But they still have the pieces, which they got for free. And I don't get the money from the sale because it was refunded to the buyers.

And then the jerks turn around and use the pieces.

So I send Google a takedown request. If Google finds that I'm really the victim (which they will, of course), then the guilty parties lose all Google search indexing. They don't get to use AdSense anymore, either.

So the thieves will eventually get what they deserve. But that doesn't make me any less ticked off about the whole situation.

That's why I haven't been motivated to work too much in the last week or so. When this new problem blows over, I'll get right back to writing. But right now, I just can't be bothered to post more articles for people to rip off.